dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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