Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
