Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
