I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
