Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious