I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor