my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me