you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.