If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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