mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
