so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
