if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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