Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We were destined to go to rehab together
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Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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