Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
