I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize