I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
