I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
