If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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