You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you told grandpa to call you daddy
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
