I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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