upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
