I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
