I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
