his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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