I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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