i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
