Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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