Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
