i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
