I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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