Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
