she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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