i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
