If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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