My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
