yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
