remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
