she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
