I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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