I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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