I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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