I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
