Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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