??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
