I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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