im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
