After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
