Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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