This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
