About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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