Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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