So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Randomize
