Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
