roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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