I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
